Advancing Sex

October 4, 2012


Technological advances have marked the state of society for a few years now. The Walkmans were replaced with CD players, the CD players were replaced with MP3 players, the MP3 players spawned iPods, iPads, and a pretty funny South Park spoof.



 We've proven that these building blocks in science are ever evolving. When telephones were introduced, that was the pinnacle of success in terms of communication... then cellphones were introduced and began their long journey of miniaturization. The Internet spawned AOL chat rooms and cable connections. Instant messaging birthed Skype and texting birthed "sexting". The truth of the matter is we never know where the next innovation will lead. We can guess, but we will never be sure. 

A majority of what I just wrote specifically deals with communication. Communication is something that has also been evolving since its introduction. If you don't believe me, here is an excerpt from a letter written to The Hayden Planetarium in the 1950s about a theorized voyage to the moon:

Dear Mr. Forrester, 

I would like to reserve passage on one of your earliest voyages to the moon. Would you please send an application for such a trip? 

This is only a two sentence example of the letter that was sent. I feel this is enough to allow us the opportunity to now study a text message I received last night at 8 o'clock:

Yo dawg, the RiteAids got that BOGO on the Chex-Mix-a-lot. Go get you some.

Clearly, we have come a long way since the days of grunting and pointing. 

You might ask, "So what's the point?" 

Technology and communication have been changing rapidly. This rapid fluctuation over the past few years has to be leading somewhere, and it wasn't until recently that we knew where it was going. 


Don't act like you're not impressed.

Humanity faced a very peculiar problem: we like to drink the milk from other animals, namely cows, but milking is so stressful that the outward signs that a cow is in heat is almost impossible to actually detect. 

Once again, science comes to the rescue! 

Christian Oesch, a 60 year old dairy farmer in Switzerland, is helping test a new device intended for farmers across the globe. The device, which inserts into the cow's genitals, monitors heat emanating from said region and sends an SMS to the farmers phone in either French, German, English, Spanish, or Italian. Once receiving this message, Farmer Oesch can then bring out the ol' artificial inseminator and make some calves.

There's another great technological advancement: artificially inseminating cows. In about 80% of cases today, the cows on the farm aren't impregnated by a bull, but they are given a dose of his stuff (goo seemed too crass to say). For a device to come from finding a solution to the problem of stressed out cows, it seems the idea of letting them actually have sex instead of shoving a piece of plastic in their vagina might help. Then again, some people like their pieces of plastic.

The device that monitors the heat from the cow is the creation of a team of professors from a technical college in Bern, a Swiss capital. According to their current research, it is 90% effective in determining if a cow is in heat. 

It is not without it's criticism, however, as many animal rights activists are upset over what this means for the stressful lives of the cows. They have increasingly been introduced to new proteins, vitamins, and minerals in an attempt to increase milk production and keep the dairy farms in business. Now, added to that stress, will be a thermometer inserted into their privates. 

The future has arrived and the cows are leading the sexual revolution. When I was young and would stare at the glowing plastic stars I had meticulously placed on the ceiling of my bedroom or pored over the stacks of books gifted to me by a lawyer friend, I'd always imagined the future in terms of images from the movie A.I. or the beautiful covers to books like Ender's Game. The X-Men created more future realities that I greedily read through at the same time Star Wars showed me a future that happened a long, long time ago. It wasn't until today, however, with the innovation of sexting cows that I truly knew that the future was here.

I am left to wonder if they send emoticons? 

3====O ({})

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October 4, 2012

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